


Unavailing

by CuteAsAMuntin



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Identity Porn, Identity Reveal, Light Angst, M/M, Off-screen Relationship(s), Pining, SHIELD, Secret Identity, Spider-Man Identity Reveal, Unresolved Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23074840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuteAsAMuntin/pseuds/CuteAsAMuntin
Summary: Peter... might have messed up. He seeks out one of Wade's long-suffering friends for relationship advice.
Relationships: Emily Preston & Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Emily Preston, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 127





	Unavailing

There was a resounding knock at Preston’s door. Her eyes flicked to the clock on her computer screen. Adsit would still be in his afternoon meeting, and no one else on the helicarrier had any reason to be stopping by her office today. A lot of the other agents had started avoiding her between mission evaluations ever since the whole “robot body” thing anyway. That was kind of unfair considering Life-Model Decoys were developed specifically for SHIELD in the first place, but you can’t have everything.

Preston quickly shuffled some sensitive papers away into folders and minimized a couple windows on the screen. There was another, more insistent knock.

“Come in,” she called out somewhat dubiously. The door swung aside to reveal a masked man in red, backlit by the hallway that was far brighter than her cozy office space. Preston raised an eyebrow.

“Hello, Agent,” Spider-Man greeted her with a half-hearted wave.

“Hi there, Spidey. To what do I owe the pleasure?” She rose from her desk to clear the other chair. “Usually the mouthy, spandex-clad guy standing in my doorway is holding a couple of swords.” She kicked the office door shut, gesturing at the hero’s body. “Maybe even waving a gun around.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, seeming to stare off into the distance behind his mask. “He would, wouldn’t he?”

“Okay, what’s the deal?” she asked, eyeing him. “I know you’re not just sticking around here to sit through a debrief from some joint tactical mission you got roped into because you’re only marginally more likely to do that than one of those weirdos from Hell’s Kitchen.”

Preston crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. Spider-Man ducked his head, perhaps a little guilty at being called out out as she continued. “I feel like I would have at least gotten the courtesy of a heads-up from our mutual acquaintance if you had gotten back together with the boy band. Plus, I wouldn’t exactly be your first stop if you came all the way up here to let SHIELD know before you dramatically broke up with them again.”

Spider-Man rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, about that.” He leaned against the wall by her desk, ignoring the cleared chair. “You and Deadpool are… You’re friends, right?”

Preston shrugged noncommittally. “As much as anyone is friends with Wade, sure. Tends to happen after someone lets you die and then you share a body for a while. Where exactly is this going?” She took a seat.

“Ugh, this is so stupid,” he groaned, burying his masked face in his hands. He hitched his legs up so he was crouched partway up on the wall. “I don’t know, I needed to talk to someone who actually knows him.” He rested his elbows on his knees, still covering his face, adding, “Someone who isn’t just going to lecture me like I’m still a dumb teenager or something.”

“Listen, Webs—”

“Do you guys talk about me?” Spider-Man interjected. He lowered his hands and cocked his head at her. “He’s the one who calls me that. Sometimes Stark calls me ‘webhead,’ but that’s only when he’s trying to be extra annoying. Deadpool’s the only one who ever actually calls me Webs.”

Preston sighed. “A little. When he comes by to harass me about… _other_ things.”

“How much? Do you talk about me, I mean. What has he told you about me?”

“I know that even though the last time you gave Earth’s mightiest heroes the old ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ it was over his dumb ass joining the team, you two patrol together now. I also know you hang out sometimes when you’re not patrolling,” she admitted.

“What else?” he demanded.

“Aside from the ridiculous fanboying and occasionally asking how mad I think you would quote un-quote ‘actually’ be if he eviscerated the staff of _The Daily Bugle_? That’s really it.”

“Oh. Maybe, uh, this was a bad idea.” Something in the webslinger seemed to deflate at her response. “I should go to that debriefing now. I’m sorry to bother you, Preston.”

A few puzzle pieces clicked together, and Wade’s behavior the last several times he’d visited Preston’s house to see Ellie was starting to make a little more sense. Now she wanted to kick the mercenary right in his dumb horror-show of a face. “Wait.” She pinched the bridge of her nose between finger and thumb. Knowing Wade, she was probably going to regret this. “You two are real good friends, aren’t you? More than you let on, maybe more than either of you wants to let anyone know.”

Spider-Man’s shoulders hunched. “Maybe. Yes.”

“Uh-huh. Well, I gotta say, you’re probably an improvement over Shiklah, literal Queen of Monsters, no matter how hot she is, so there’s that,” she allowed. Spider-Man’s shoulders hunched further.

“You’re not gonna give me the third degree about it? Or harangue me about how he’s a cold-blooded, degenerate killer who will sell me out the second he gets a good enough payday for it?” That kid really sounded like a noir thriller version of himself sometimes.

“Me? Nah. Lived in the guy’s head, remember? He’s a mess, but if he thinks you’re a good guy or he really cares about you, he won’t mess with you. At least not permanently. You and I both know Wade is Spider-Man’s number one fan. The guy might as well think you spin golden webs out of your ass, as far as heroes are concerned!” He perked back up the tiniest bit at that. She continued, “So what’s the deal, Spidey?” 

“I tried to show him my face,” Spider-Man admitted.

“You did what now? On purpose?!” That… had not quite been what she was expecting.

“I wanted to share my civilian identity with him. I thought we were, y’know, _there_. Obviously, I was wrong.”

“Sounds like that didn’t go over so well,” she guessed.

He barked out a harsh laugh. “Yeah, you could say that. He got me in the face with my own web-shooter, then threatened to shoot himself with his Desert Eagle unless I left.”

“How exactly did he get ahold of your web-shooters?” she wondered aloud. He mumbled something she couldn’t understand. “What was that?”

“I said my spidey sense doesn’t work on him!” he repeated, almost shouting. Preston stifled a chuckle at the juvenile moniker even as she filed the information away in case it was useful to SHIELD later. Spider-Man was being far less careful than usual tonight with data about himself. 

“Spidey sense, huh?”

“I guess I just don’t see him as a threat anymore, or whatever,” he muttered.

“Well, that’s pretty dumb,” she snorted before her expression softened. “So, he didn’t want to find out who you are under the mask. Is that such a big deal?”

“No… Maybe? I want it to be, darn it!” The webslinger dropped his head into his hands again. “Why doesn’t he want to know me?!” he demanded sullenly.

“Ah. That’s what you really came here to ask,” she surmised. He peeked at her from behind cracked fingers, the eyes of his mask narrowed.

“Look, I’m not stupid. I’ve been to therapy, and I’ve been in adult relationships that might even resemble something healthy if you squint. I know you can’t just magically fix someone by loving them,” he sighed, hitching himself a little higher up the wall. Loving them? Preston couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for the poor kid. She wouldn’t wish Wade on anyone, even after discovering new facets of the man that had been unearthed since Ellie had given him a tangible reason to become more responsible.

Spidey continued, “I can love him all I want, be as supportive and patient and dang flexible as any acrobatic, spidery-powered person can possibly be—” Alright, gross. “—and that’s not going to just make everything suddenly be alright! I just thought, I don’t know, that it would… help him to be ready? To be able _get_ the kind of help that would give him the tools to be better. Maybe it would help Wade be the version of himself that I know he can be, that I think _he_ wants to be.”

“So, you wanted him to be better than just Deadpool, and you’re disappointed that he won’t just go make an appointment with a SHIELD-approved therapist,” she summarized. If that was the case, no wonder Wade had gone ballistic on the guy.

“Even I’m not delusional enough to think he would do that! I guess I thought that maybe, _eventually_ , I could be enough for him. That I could be enough to make him want to be better. To stay here in New York... that he would want to stay here with me.” The masked hero snorted and shook his head, apparently in disbelief at his own naivety.

Preston actually felt a stab of pity at that. Wade would stay in New York anyway, of course, but it had nothing to do with the wallcrawler. “That’s rough,” she managed.

“Well, long story short, it’s been made very clear to me that he doesn’t need a mom or a babysitter. He doesn’t need a friend to suck his dick and then try to make him feel bad about his life choices later,” Spider-Man spat, voice slowly rising and hands dropping away from his face to clench into fists. “My fault, really. I don’t know why I thought I could ever be enough for someone who’s never been satisfied by _enough_! He’s only ever taken from someone until he gets bored of them or they try to kill each other. Can’t exactly fix that.” His fists dropped back between his knees, and he pressed his head back against the wall.

She waited in silence for a few moments until it was apparent that he was finished. “So… what are you going to do?”

He rolled his head so one reflective, white lens was trained on her again. “What do you mean, what am I going to do?”

“Well, you came all the way here to interrupt my work and bother me about it. You just wanna complain at people who have to work with him or were you actually looking for some advice?”

“I— uh, actually don’t really know. I didn’t really think that far ahead. I guess I want to know, I mean uh… do you think I’m being stupid?” he admitted.

“About being angry with Wade? Or about trying to reveal your identity to him in the first place?” she questioned. “Because those are two different questions. Everyone gets mad at Wade. Hell, I’m mad at Wade most of the time, and I actually have opportunities to see him act like a responsible, thoughtful adult and not just the cold-blooded asshole he usually has to be. Giving him your civilian identity though? I can’t really tell you that. You’re the one that’s been carefully keeping it secret so that other people are safe. Do you think Wade can keep that secret? Do you think he _wants_ to keep another secret?”

Spider-Man’s head jerked back up at that. He just looked at Preston, the blank, white eyes of his mask wide and staring. She could almost hear the gears turning.

“Did you ask first, before you just sprang it on him? Did you wonder if maybe he had reasons for not wanting to know? That maybe he wasn’t ready to know or wasn’t sure what it meant for your relationship, whatever that means to you? Or maybe he had some other stuff going on that he was worried about?” she pressed. There was another drawn out moment of silence.

“ _Dang it_ ,” he said with feeling. “I’m the jerk here, aren’t I?” Preston didn’t say anything, just waited patiently. Spider-Man groaned dramatically, then finally climbed down off her wall. Great, now she’d have to bribe the cleaning staff to scrub off those bootprints. “I guess I need to go find him and apologize or something.”

“Great!” Preston said with a smile. “Now, please leave so I can get back to work, and don’t bring me your weird Spideypool domestic disputes ever again.”

“Uh, sure,” he agreed, awkwardly patting her shoulder before heading out. As he slid the office door shut, she barely caught the muttered, “That has to be another one he made up. I refuse to Google it; I don’t even want to know.”

Preston shook her head in amusement. Those two deserved each other as far as she was concerned. She reopened her report on the follow-up rescue ops to North Korea and the ongoing plans to introduce the rescued mutants to the X-Men as they were cleared by medical. Deadpool’s strike team had saved more than just little Ellie and a handful of other mutants that night— not that Wade wanted to hear it.

Several hours and half a technical report later, there was a very different knock at her door. Preston cracked her neck as she looked up, a habit leftover from when her old body got stiff after so many hours in a cheap office chair. The erratic, demanding strikes went on for several seconds before a voice finally called out. “Emily! Open up! You open this door up right now!” She covered her mouth to muffle the gleeful cackle that threatened to burst free.

“Goddamnit, Em, what did you have to go and talk to Webs for? Do you know what he did? He came and _apologized!_ To me! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” the voice whined.

“I don’t know, Wade,” she yelled back through the securely locked, reinforced steel door. “That’s your problem!”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've completed in, oh, ten years? It's been fun to write about these boys while I've been catching up on their respective comics! General thanks to the Spideypool Discord for being unwaveringly positive and cool, and special thanks to [Jennicide](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yenyen/pseuds/Jennicide) for some absolutely fabulous beta reading and feedback. 
> 
> Con-crit welcome! 💖


End file.
